


Guide To Troubled Skeletons

by Broken_Synchronicity



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Underfell, Angst, F/F, F/M, Fluff, For reasons, Gen, Magic organizations, No Smut, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route - "I want to stay with you.", Reader Is Not Frisk, Reader is more of an oc, Sans is big but not bara, Yes I am referencing Guide to Troubled Birds, more tags as they become relevant, reader has magic, reader is female, recreational alcohol use, since 'named' and an appearance, so much swearing, some concepts borrowed from Mirrors Egde game
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-09-24 17:59:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9777869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broken_Synchronicity/pseuds/Broken_Synchronicity
Summary: A story of a carefree Bird and an edgy Skeleton as they try and figure out life without it blowing up in their faces."MY MUSTARD PLANTS!!!""oh... sothat'swhere chickadee got those for boss..."But, between secrets, magic, and crazy best friends, the Key word is 'try.'





	1. A Strong Determination To Get The Best Out Of Life Is Directly Responsible For This Waking Nightmare (Prologue)

**Author's Note:**

> Ok! Here we go! This is another thing that I've had planned for a long time. When I'm not working on SotO, I'll be doing this. Keep myself from burning out on one story too fast.
> 
> So! Hold on to your hats folk, I'm jumping straight into things with this!

"-etheart?! c'mon angel, stay with me!"

His voice is desperate and paniced, it's never like that. There's screaming and crying when there should be laughter and singing.

It was supposed to be a fun day. A day were everyone got along.

How had things gotten to this point?

You hiss as pain shoots through you, hot and sharp and consuming. You feel skeletal hands on you, one wraped around your shoulders, carefully cradling you against a broad, familiar chest, and another on your cheek, tilting your head back so he could see your face.

Sans stares down at you, eye sockets wide and eyelights pinpricks, and his near permanent grin is thin and strained and very, very fake. You can't tell if you're the one trembling or he is.

"just hang on, ok? you'll be fine. don't close your eyes- _no_ , don't close them."

You force your eyes to stay open, but it's getting hard and you're so _tired_. You feel the hand on your cheek move down to the center of your chest. A different, more soothing heat begins to pulse out from his hand, easing the encompassing pain, but the ache quickly returns, making you whimper. Sans growls somewhere above you.

"shit, why isn't it-?! sweetheart? babe, no, c'mon! stay awake! _angel, plea_ \--"

You vaguely hear more people come over to the two of you, but everything seems so far away. Black is starting to swallow your sight as time passes, and the pain seems to numb with it.

As the world grows hazier, Sans' plees becoming quieter and quieter, your mind recalls being in a similar position with him once. When was it...?

Oh. The first time you met...


	2. Oh Life-- You And Your Whimsical Turns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You meet the Skele. 
> 
> It is in no way normal.
> 
> Oh and some world building.

In all honesty, you hated having to change the territory runes.

It was an easy job, sure, just get to where the runes were placed and use the magic imbued crystal to change the resonance in the runes to match your Guild's territory runes.

So, why did you hate it?

It wasn't that the runes were hard to get to. As a Runner, it was your job to deliver certain goods to the hidden magical populace of Ebbot City, via parkour and secret drop boxes. So it wasn't the fact that you couldn't get to the runes usually hidden in the top of a building only accessible through roof jumping or wall scaling.

It wasn't the actual changing of the runes' resonance either. That was almost entirely done by the crystals. You just conjured up the runes to be visible by poking it with your magic, held the crystal near the runes, and finally poked the crystal with your magic to activate the resonance shift. Hardly an effort.

No, it was the fact that the runes were in the rough center of the territory they marked. And since that meant being in the middle of another Guild's territory using magic until the resonance shift was complete, all other Guild members of that Guild knew you were in their territory. It was a defensive thing the runes did to warn the Guild if there was a potential threat.

And always, without fail, you were found by--

"HEY! What do you think you're doing!?"

\--newbies who had no idea what was going on.

God damnit.

"I have permission to be here doing this, check with your superiors." You called back to the two teens, trying to hold back flat out growling at them. You don't turn to them, instead just focusing on watching the crystal literally work it's magic. You get a hand roughly yanking you around for your efforts. You glare up at the owner of the hand -you were sitting and he was standing- biting back yet another snarl.

"Chal wait-"

"Like fuck you do, we were told no one can mess with the territory runes." You harshly tug your shoulder out of the kid's grip and hiss out a frustrated sigh, resisting rolling your eyes. (Why were you being so patient with these idiots when you could just knock them on their asses?? Oh right, you could get in _trouble_ for doing that. Deep breaths, peaceful thoughts...)

"No one can mess with the runes _unless there's been a territory meeting_." You elaborated. "How long have you two been formally part of your Guild? A week or so? The territory change was decided two and half weeks ago, and if you _ask your fucking superiors_ , you will learn that Forrest Street and Polly Hills are now Phoenix Feather territory." Come on, why is the shift taking so long?! Forrest Street isn't that big!

"Chal, I really think we should do what she says.... I mean, it makes sense and we don't really know much about how Guilds divide up the territories..." Ok, you're liking this kid. At least this one doesn't jump to conclusions about things they don't know shit about, unlike this 'Chal' brat. Oh, would you look at that...

"Then you do it, Kyan, I'm gonna- Hey! Wait!"

You had gotten up when the shift had finally finished and began making your way to Polly Hills. You don't have time for newbies, you still had two deliveries to do today and you'd really rather be doing those.

Ok, route to Polly Hills... Jump that gap, cross the long roof of the shop strip, watch the vents, that ledge is cracked....

God, how long was it since this side of town was under your Guild? Three years? You've forgotten how... not decrepit, but... under disrepair? It is. The western side of Ebbot city, the side bordering the forest and mountain, was technically the oldest part of Ebbot. As the town expanded and grew, the younger people stopped caring about the older part of town, instead moving to the shiny new center and eastern part of town. Only the older and/or poorer folk lived in the area. So a lot of the buildings were falling apart or had some major problems. Even so, the people who lived here were a hearty bunch, finding their way through life despite all the setbacks. Honestly, you liked the people here more than anyone in the city.

Now, you just gotta get across this one roof with the one steep side and ceramic tiles and you'll be past the hardest part of the route. Just keep following your-

"CHAL, _NO-!!_ "

"Stop _IGNORING ME!!!_ "

You sensed the unshaped, haphazard splash of Magic energy behind you well before it would hit you. Even so, it was still a surprise that the idiot actually _attacked_ you while you were balancing on a _roof_! Is no one helping this kid with his temper?! You duck to the side, magic missing you and vanishing harmlessly into the air. But of course, your lucky just can't keep from getting shittier.

You stepped onto the steep side. Now, this would normally not be a problem for you. Except, remember how this part of town is rundown? _Yeah_. Your sudden stomping sidestep had not only cracked, but completely broke an entire section of tiles on the roof. The sound of the shattering ceramic was quickly followed by your scream of surprise.

God _DAMNIT!_

You were agile enough to turn yourself so that when you hit the roof, you'd be rolling sideways down it, instead of becoming a tumbling ball of flailing limbs. Still, even with the safer roll, your momentum was still too fast and wild and the angle too steep to allow you to not roll off the roof. So, when you eventually did near the edge, hitting every chipped, cracked, and loose tile on your way down, you flung your arms out to desperately grip at what you could of the tiles.

Well, seems your luck gave you one good shot, since you were able to slow your descent enough not to instantly tear off the rusted gutter you were now clinging to with one hand, keeping you from dropping two or three stories onto concrete and asphalt. Shards and chunks of tile fell on and around you. You both did and didn't hope someone was down there. You didn't want anyone below you getting hurt by the tiles, but if someone noticed you, maybe they could get a ladder. There's no way you can climb up without breaking the gutter, it was barely holding up as is. No windows either. You glanced down below you, trying to estimate how much damage your ankles and legs will take if you swing and drop down, just in case.

"What the hell were you thinking?!? You could have killed her!!!!"

"I- I just-"

You looked back up, just spotting the two newbies from your position. 'Kyan' looked both cross with their other and worried about you, while 'Chal' was white as a sheet, terrified and horrified and very guilty by the current events. Kyan had a hand to one ear, and you could just make out the tiny ear piece communicator that every Runner normally has. Listening to whoever is on the other end, Kyan does the talking and Chal winces at whatever was said. It seems whoever Kyan is talking to is giving them a plan as well as a scolding.

"Um, okay, so..." Kyan cautiously calls down to you. "Aven is coming to help since he's close by. Uh... How are you holding up?"

"Oh you know, just _hanging_ around. Do tell Aven to hurry though, I'm not quite sure how long it will be until my arm _falls_ asleep." You try to bite back as much of the sarcasm as you can, but you can't help punning when stressed. You grumble and curse to yourself quietly, wondering just what the cherry on top of this shit pile of a day will be. At this point you think you'll risk swinging and jumping down. It's not like you were PRECARIOUSLY DANGLING ABOVE CERTAIN INJURY AND POSSIBLY DEATH.

_Creeee_ -

**Oh for fuck sake.**

- _eeeeEEEEE **CRACK!!!**_

The long bit of metal screeched as it was bent under your weight. Oh _goody_ , it was finally starting to break. And from the look and sound of it, you didn't have much longer until the whole thing came off. You could hear the two panicking newbies above you, but you just sighed and resigned yourself to your shit luck. Your arm was starting to hurt and you don't know if it's water or blood you feel dripping on the tips of your fingers.

"Might as well deal with a busted ankle and no runs for-"

"' _EY!_ "

You startled a bit at the new voice. Someone was below you?! _Hallelujah!_ You looked down, spying someone in a black jacket with a fur lined hood standing among the broken tiles. Their hood was up, so you couldn't see their face, but they seemed very pale skinned from what you could see.

"you uh... havin' fun up there?" The hooded person nervously asked. A guy maybe from how deep and gravely his voice was. You snorted at his question.

"Hell no! Don't you know? Hanging out with tall buildings is so boring! It's story after story. And I hate cliff-hangers! Do you know what I am going to do about it?"

He waited for a second for you to continue, but then he gets the joke, busting into disbelieving laughter. You giggled a bit as well, only to stop when the gutter protested the movement.

"Ok, real talk though." He stopped laughing at your hurried, panicked tone. "If you can't get a ladder in the next minute or so, you may want to either move and call an ambulance, or test your strength by catching me." Your gaze flicked back and forth between the gutter and the stranger. Unless Aven gets here soon, this guy's gonna need to hurry up and choose before-

_Creee_...

Oh no.

You're about to just screw everything and jump when jacket man makes a decision.

"let go! i'll catch ya!"

You don't even think about it. You kick a leg back and swing with all you can, letting go of the gutter. For a few short seconds, gravity has no hold on you, before the wind is rushing around you, your braid dances above you, and your heart pounds in your throat.

You squeeze your eyes shut and hope to God this guys makes good on the catching, because you're not gonna land in any good way if he doesn't.

You fall and fall, ground no doubt getting closer-

_**Ping!** _

-and then suddenly you're not.

You gasp, stiffen, and shoot your eyes open. You can see the outline of your Soul in your chest, dyed a deep navy. _Blue magic_. You slowly float down into a pair of arms and feel hands that are far too knobby to be human. Hands of not pale skin, but bone. The magic dissipates and you can finally look at your rescuer.

Red dots in empty sockets stare back. A wide, toothy grin smirks at you.

_Skeleton_.

Right. Monsters.

Ok, so, a really long time ago, Humans and Monsters were the two ruling species on the planet. Shit happened and the two went to war. Monsters lost and were sealed under Mt. Ebbot with a great magic barrier by seven human Mages.

This is the legend known to the people of Ebbot.

Until one day, the barrier around Ebbot shattered like glass, all thanks to one determined child. Monsters walked the surface once more.

Except it wasn't as simple as that. Not for you. Not for the magic users still existing, hidden in plain sight.

Elder Magi and Council members scrabbled to form a plan of some kind. Most had thought it nothing more than legend as well, but now the truth stared them right in the face. What would happen? Would Mages need to reveal themselves after going into hiding during the Witch Hunts of the past? Would there be a new war? There were so few of you left, barely a few hundred in the world.

The Child, claiming the title of Ambassador, called for peace.

And somehow, despite the standoffish, rough around the edges, and sometimes downright nasty natures the Monsters put up, all leather and chains and spikes, the Monsters just wanted to be on the surface. No fighting, no vengeance, just enjoying what some hadn't seen in a long time, and what many had only ever heard of.

No one was expecting that.

All Magi waited with baited breath, to see if things really could be peaceful.

It's nearly a year later, Monsters have moved into the most rundown part of the Eastern side of town, steadily spreading out and into the city, when the Council finally decides that No, they don't need to change anything.

Well, there's a decree to be wary. Special magic hiding charms are passed out, to hide one's magic from the Monsters' senses. Interact with the Monsters if you wish to, just _do not reveal yourself as a Mage_. Monsters too seem to believe with the rest of the world that true Mages have died off.  Keep it that way.

And so, the Mages of Ebbot adjusted. Clan heads discussed if they keep things as they are, or give the area up entirely. Singular Mages wondered if it would be best to move shop or stay where they were to try out the new clientele. And then there were the Guilds of course. Territory meetings became frequent among the Runner Guilds, yet no one was able to decide what to do with the sections bordering the new Monster territory.

Finally, your Guild, Pheonix Feather, decided to take the territories. The previous Guild holding the territory, Quicksilver, had recently had some inner termoil, resulting in a lack of members able to handle the range of their territory anymore. The other guild near them had the manpower, but they were too wary of the Monsters to want to pick up the territory. So, that left it up to your Guild, who both had the manpower and courage to be near the Monsters.

Even so, you still had yet to have a proper conversation with a Monster.

Well, until now that is.

"so, wasn't really expecting a pretty lady to _fall_ for me so suddenly." His smirk stretches as he winks at you. ( _Monster_ , you have to remind yourself. _He doesn't have to follow any laws of nature or biology you know_.)

Wait, did he seriously just...?

You can't help the snort and peel of laughter. Actually, you're laughing a bit too hard at that, bordering on hysterical, but today has just been too much all at once and you need some kind of stress reliever. You're sure he's looking at you funny now.

"S-Sorry, sorry. I just-" You take a moment to breathe. "It's been a really shitty day."

"yeah, seems like it went right to the _gutter_ for ya." He replied almost instantly.

"Nooohohohoho stop! Stop punning at my expense!" You giggled.

"you're laughing, so you like it."

"I know and I- ow! Shit...!" You winced at the sudden stinging all over your upper body, mostly concentrated on the hand that held the gutter. Holding it up, you see that your fingers are cut in a line right along the crease of your second knuckles, where the gutter had been. It seems there was more damage than you thought. Great, now you're gonna need to wash your gloves before they're ruined. Why do you always find a way to destroy all of your fingerless gloves??? You groan in frustration.

Your knight in bony armor however, clicked his tongue before kneeling to sit you on the sidewalk, the arm around your shoulders still holding you up.

"already used magic on ya, might as well make sure you're ok too." He grumbled, more to himself than you it seems. His other hand came up to cradle your injured one, gently using his thumb to open your curled fingers. Then, a soft pulse of soothing warmth washed over your hand, a pale, almost pastel green dancing from the tips of his phalanges to the wound.

You don't have healing magic yourself, so it had always fascinated you. Watching and feeling your skin stitch itself back together. Once your hand was fixed, he moved his hand to the center of your chest, where your Soul is. Another pulse of healing echoed out from that point, easing away all the little nicks and bruises along your body from rolling down the roof. Then, from there, his hand slid up your neck to your cheek, heat focusing there on another cut you hadn't noticed. Finally, he ran his hand carefully along the top of your head, finishing off any unseen injuries. After everything was done and healed, his hand came to hover near your cheek once more.

At some point you had closed your eyes, and with the ceasing of the warmth, blinked them open once more. You peeled your sullied glove off, shoving it in one of your pockets and slowly flexed your mended hand, humming contentedly at the slight pull of new skin. Your savior gazed down at you, nervous and slightly confused.

"heh. you're pretty relaxed for a human bein' cradled by a monster and havin'em use magic on ya."

"Should I not be?" You tipped your head to the side, the same side his chest was on. It made you look like you were nuzzling into him.

"er... well..." He looked off to the side, sweat beginning to bead on his forehead.

"You could have ignored me entirely. Or even just let me fall after coming over and possibly get seriously hurt. But you didn't." You recounted. "Instead, you risked me being a racist; put your hood up so I wouldn't see who you were until I was safe on the ground, decided to catch me and risk me hitting you when I did realize what you were, then took the time to heal what injuries I had instead of leaving me to deal with them on my own. You _laughed at my stupid sarcastic puns and jokes_ when I was in danger instead of being angry or scolding, and then _punned back at me later_."

You stopped to smile up at him. "If there's something in there that I shouldn't trust about you, tell me, cuz I can't see it."

His face turned a lovely shade of crimson. You giggled at the sight. He huffed, but gave you a lopsided grin back.

"can't just let a fellow jokester get hurt when i can help it." He mumbled "anyway, think you're good to stand?"

"Yeah, just-"

He let you go so you could stand on your own, but kept his arms at the ready to catch you should you stumble. Now that you could get a proper look at him, you realized he was bigger than you had first thought. He stands half a head taller than you, and you're by no means short. A little above the 6 foot range if you had to guess. And he was wide. Not just at the shoulders, but his chest and waist. Stocky for something that's supposed to be nearly nothing. His teeth look pointed and sharp, one of them gold. Besides his jacket, he's got a spiked collar, a red shirt, and black basketball shorts. His feet are adorned with red, yellow, and black sneakers.

"I never did say thank you."

"forgeddaboudit. name's sans by the way." Your now named savior held out his hand. You reached out to take it.

"Call me-"

"SPARROW!"

Both of your eyes turned to the voice above you. Well look who finally showed up.

\----

"AVEN! You sure took your sweet time!"

Sans watched as the girl -Sparrow?- turned from him to yell up at someone on the roof she had been hanging from. Damn, he almost had her with the buzzer. Though, seeing how she's going off on the guy on the roof, it might not be a good idea now.

"Yeah, no thanks to anyone up there!!"

....

"Oh, _fuck you!_ I didn't _jump_ to conclusions and leave people _hanging_ when things _fell_ into the _gutter!!_ Does no one train their newbies properly anymore!?"

....

"You named the kid _Chalcedony!?_ Yeah, that fits the kid _perfectly_ , real _Diamond in the rough_ that one!"

He snickered quietly. Now, normally, Sans didn't really care for screaming human women. Mostly because it was _him_ they were screaming at. But this felt like a treat, and stars did this girl go at it. And she was _insulting them with puns_. Fuck, she was good. Animated too. He's having more fun that he normally does watching an argument.

And he wasn't lying when he said she was pretty. At least to his own standards. She stood a little taller than average; long, lean legs not really hidden by the multi-pocketed cargo shorts. Her windbreaker hid her upper figure well enough, but he had held her in his arms. He _felt_ her slightly broader than normal shoulders, and arms that spoke of a lot of physical demand. Her hair was an odd thing. He'd thought maybe some of it had come loose from the braid that comes down to the small of her back, but now that he sees it up close, he finds that the braid isn't even made up of all of her hair, but just the underlayer of the hair at the back of her head. The rest is a neat bob cut not unlike Frisk's. He's not sure what the style is called, he's never seen it before, but it works on her. It sways here and there, not unlike a tail might. It's oddly entertaining.

But it's her eyes that really took the cake. Wide and clear, shining like little gems, easily showcasing her emotions. He could read her sincerity when she recited the risks he took when saving her, see the honest amusement at his puns. He didn't even need to peek at her Soul's resonance to know her feelings at the guy on the roof. Annoyed and done with everything, but not outright angry. Her eyes made her an open book. And there's just something he trusts about that.

Apparently she was done conversing with the other guy, if the way she turns away to sigh and scrub her face says anything.

"ya look like ya need a drink." He announced. It seemed to have started her, like she wasn't expecting him to still be there. She blinked at him, then let out a chuckle.

(That was another thing; her laugh. Like a bird song, light and cheery and open.)

"God, sorry you had to see that. I'm not normally that hostile with people. But, yeah, I could use a drink or five right now. But, I still got shit to do today. Wanna take a rain check on that?"

Wait, what?

"ya actually wanna get drinks with me?"

"Wait, that wasn't an offer, right? Ah shit, sorry, I'm used to that being an offer rather than a statement. I got some weird friends."

"no, no! it's not that! i mean, it wasn't exactly an offer, but i wasn't expecting you to be so willing to want to... you know, hang around a monster? most humans usually ignore us if they don't outright hate us."

"Well, like I said, you have yet to give me a reason to not give you at least a chance. So, yeah, why not get drinks with you?"

He stared at her in disbelief. She honestly wanted to. Well, how can he really say no to that?

"pfft. you're a weird one. but sure. gimme your number and we can take a rain check on those drinks."

He handed her his phone and she did the same. Once finished, he took his phone back and handed her hers. He glanced down at the new contact.

_Your Rescued Birdbrain ;) (Sparrow)_

He snorted in amusement, now not as guilty for what he put as his contact. Her sudden burst of laughter making it all the better.

"'B-Bone Daddy'- Kuhahaha- I f-fucking can't- You really did that!"

When he heard crashing and screaming around the corner, he wasn't expecting a human hanging from a gutter three stories up. He wasn't expecting to hear her sarcastic puns at her own situation. He really wasn't expecting himself to go over and help her. And he definitely wasn't expecting her to be so relaxed around him. Enough so that he had not only gotten her number, but the promise of a hang out for drinks.

Today had taken a turn in an unexpected direction, but he can't say he's upset by it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The term you're looking for, Sans, is 'Rattail'.


	3. I Often Take A Glass Of Liquor With An Idle Friend, But I Must Confess That Friend Is Imaginary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get drinks with Sans. It's a nice night.
> 
> (It's 4am, why am I posting this now)

_Birdbrain_ : So, you know any good bars?

\- I don't know of any human bars that serve Monsters yet, and I'd rather not have a bunch of assholes ruin the night.

\- Knowing my luck, it'd happen.

 _Bone Daddy_ : yeah, know a place. don't worry 'bout it.

\- tried monster food yet?

 _Birdbrain_ : No, but I've heard a few things.

\- Sounds like fun.

 _Bone Daddy_ : oh, it'll be a _great time_ , doll.

You smiled at the texts as you re-read them.

You ended up having to wait a day to go out with Sans. You got to change the resonance over Polly Hills without further incident, and your deliveries went over fine, just a couple of regulars who were easygoing and always paid good. It was after that you got called into HQ about a last minute meeting over the new territory that you just claimed, which lasted a while, and then, _of course_ , there was no food in your apartment when you got home. So, you needed to go shopping. And that meant lugging all your groceries up two flights of stairs (at least you had a car for these instances.)

By the time you had gotten everything done, you just wanted to collapse in your bed and sleep, but you had been texting Sans periodically through the day, so at least he knew you'd be freer tomorrow. You'd made sure of it.

With the day's deliveries done, all you needed was a shower and something to wear. After wrapping your wet hair in a towel, you searched through your closet for something. After a bit of perusing, you decided on a pair of jean capris and a graphic tee. Casual for a casual hang out. Now, your hair. You headed back to the bathroom, now steam free, and unwrapped your hair.

Blow dry your hair or leave it? Braid your Rattail or just pull it back? You wondered what to do as you ran a comb through the long strands, detangling the knots. It was one of the few things that were a pain about your hairstyle, how easily the long hair gets tangled in comparison to the shorter.

You decided to blow dry your hair and just pull it into a tail. You don't let in out of its braid often, only for showers usually, before braiding it right back up to sleep in most nights, so now the hair is almost permanently wavy. Might as well let it free for a night.

(You don't even glance at any of your makeup. That was for special occasions only.)

You slide your finger across your phone's screen, getting to your most recent texts with Sans. He'd sent you the address of some place called 'Grillby's.' Putting the address in your map search showed that, while it was indeed inside what was now 'Monster Territory,' it was closer to the border of the territory. A border your guild now shared. If this night went well, you might have a new place to hang out.

You grabbed your wallet and keys, slipping them into the pockets of your windbreaker and zipping the pocket closed. (All the pockets of every coat or jacket you own has pockets that close. Safer to run with than having them in your pants pockets, unless it's your cargos.) You checked the route your phone gave you once more. It was a 30 minute walk from your apartment complex to Grillby's.

Well, that was if you _walked_. Like a _normal person_.

But you have parkour. And _Magic_.

You tighten your shoe's laces before shoving them into the sides of your shoe, zip your jacket most of the way up, and finally head out.

Alright. What buildings make up the area enroute to this bar? You zoom in on the map and study it for a bit, forming a route in your head. You should probably drop in an ally near Grillby's, so as not to startle anyone.

Now that you had a plan, you headed out to the gated entrance to the complex.

"You headed somewhere, Sparrow?"

You waved at the Security Guard in the gate control box. Witch-hazel Apartments (obvious name as it was) was a Mage only complex run by Mages, disguised as an exclusive, high end, private complex, not unlike a gated community. Most of the residents were Guild members, like yourself, but there were plenty of solitary mages as well.

Jack, the guard, was a good guy, like most all the guards. Older. He had a paternal air about him. You think he had kids? You don't remember right now.

"Hey, Jack. Yeah, drinks with a new friend. Well, hopefully new friend."

"Oh? Non-mage?" The guard leaned forward on his desk, raising a brow.

"Er... Well..."

"... Non-Human?" He smirked knowingly. You forget sometimes how keen his intuition is. You gave him a sheepish smile and a shrug.

"Well, if you're not back before shift change, I'll let them know you might come back with a Monster." He did a few things on the control box, and the automated gate slid open.

"Thanks Jack!" You called, jogging down the path.

Once you got down the hill to the street proper, you did some minor stretching, giving your limbs a little readiness for your excursion.

Then came your magic.

See, while the charms hid your magic from Monsters, it also acted as a limiter. You couldn't form any offensive magic properly, resulting in a shapeless splash of Magic energy (like what that reckless newbie did, you were _still salty on that_.) Passive magics, however, could still be fairly powerful if they didn't need to take an outside form (the exception being healing magic, as it was already formless.)

Like your Pathfinder, as you call it.

It worked like it was called. It would highlight objects for you to use, or create a transparent wireframe figure to show you where to go and how to get there. (Only you could see all this, of course.) It was one part your own knowledge of the area, and another part your magic stretching itself like a radar, checking the area for the best route to take, avoiding as many hazards for you as it could, getting you to your destination quickly and safely. It worked better the more you already knew an area, and the reverse was true as well; the less you knew, the harder it was for your Pathfinder to... Well, _find a path_.

Either way, thanks to this, you're one of, if not technically, the best Runner of your guild. You might not be the most acrobatic Traceuse, preferring not to do as much fancy flipping as others, but you've proven to be reasonably fast with exceptional endurance and strength.

With your muscles limber, you set off.

It was still an odd thing, seeing the shift in quality in the buildings as you got farther west. Clean, solid roofing slowly giving way to crumbling concrete, loose tiles, and even a few holes covered only in tarps or haphazardly nailed boards. It makes you melancholy, saddened by the lack of care, and wanting to help. You knew though, that you could do very little to actually help though.

Then you hit Monster territory and it's like stepping into another world entirely.

You didn't realize how... resourceful? Monsters were, and you should have. Monsters had lived off human garbage for so long, they had to have become masters at making-do. It showed in the buildings. You had known that at least half of these buildings bordering the forest could be considered inhospitable, and yet you're standing on top of what seems to be some kind of metropolitan pastry or sweets shop? Café?? You think "Muffet" is the owner's name, if the sign has anything to say. You _think_. It's all a little disconcerting, because you know that this particular building had been in need of a lot of repairs that were hard to get to without tearing down walls and ripping up floors, repairs only rats and the like could get to. You wonder if they got everything or are working on the bare minimum.

You drop into an ally half a block from the bar Sans wanted to meet at and head out into the streets. You easily weave out of the way of any Monsters, looking straight ahead so as to not give them a reason to try and instigate anything. You know you arrive at the bar when you see a certain Skeleton leaning on the outside wall, playing with his phone. That and the bright, neon red sign screaming "Grillby's" at you. You smile and walk up to him.

"Excuse me, I'm looking for a guy. Looks real edgy, kinda shady even, but is actually a huge dork who likes shitty puns and rescuing injured birds." Sans almost seems to startle at your voice, but when he sees you, he huffs and smirks.

"really? might know a guy. i'm lookin' for someone too. a lady with weird hair and hangs out in weird places, but is also a huge dork who likes shitty puns and bein' kind to monsters."

"Hm. Sounds a bit familiar. Why don't we help each other inside this fine establishment? I'm sure we'll find them eventually." You and Sans chuckle at your little act as he turns to the door.

"ladies first." He holds the door open with an exaggerated flourish, making you laugh more. You step in, blatantly ignoring the eyes on you as Sans follows in behind you. It was a nice place, and you mean _nice_. Lots of dark colors, somehow classy and working with the bluish lighting coming from hanging wall lanterns. Speaking of lighting, the brightest light was coming from the bartender, who was a blue fire elemental.

As you continue to take in the bar, you feel the Monsters take you in, sizing you up from the feel of it. And Sans doesn't seem to take that well. You hear him growl loudly as he wraps his arm around your waist and pulls you closer to him.

"the fuck are y'all lookin' at?" There's a pause before most go back to what they were doing, while a few spoke up.

"The hell you been Sans?! Ain't seen your ugly mug 'round here in a while!" A dog among a group of dog monsters calls out.

"an' how would ya know? not like ya can see shit anyway, doggo." Sans retorted.

"Can see enough to know you brought a _human_ with you." Doggo quickly snapped back.

"yeah. and you're gonna deal with it, or it'll be the _last_ thing ya ever see." Sans growled, his arm tightening around your waist.

"Ok, that's enough." You firmly stated, finally stepping in. They both turned to you, slightly starled. "I'd rather no one get hurt because I decided to come here. I can leave, no harm done. Sans, we can just go buy something and bring it back to one of our places. At least that way if one or both of us gets a little too drunk, the guest can just crash at the host's house. That way, we get the drinks we wanted, and no one ends up dead."

Sans is staring at you in bewilderment. So is Doggo and several of the other patrons. Right, they're probably still not used to having a peaceful solution be presented as a valid option. Least of all from a human. Doggo seemed to make a motion to speak again, but was cut off by the flaming bartender.

"Doggo, you'll shut your trap or I'm banning you from alcohol for a while." His voice was deep, like the roar of low embers, roiled with authority, making the dog monster flinch. "You're not scaring off the first decent human customer I've had. If Sans brought them, then they can't be like most we've had the _pleasure_ of encountering. And by the argument, I'd say give them a chance and _let them be_." The bartender goes back to cleaning a glass, shooting a glare here and there when a few patrons continue to gawk. Sans, however, had a smug grin, looking like a cat that caught the canary. But you knew how tense he had been, pressed up against him. It wasn't until you got the bartender's approval that he relaxed.

Sans led you over to the bar and you got a better look at it's tender. The elemental stood roughly the same height as Sans, maybe taller, it was hard to tell with the flickering wisps atop his head. His flames were a brilliant blue, gradually turning paler to near white at the edges. His eyes are solid white through and through, no pupils or irises that you could see, and his jagged mouth that you saw when he was talking seems to have disappeared into his flames, nowhere to be seen. He was dressed handsomely, a nice dark colored dress shirt with the top button undone and nice slacks. He radiated suave, but you knew now that this Monster held himself in such a manner that also held authority. He must be something powerful and respected, if you knew anything about Monster culture and the way everyone reacted to him.

"hey grillby, good to see you're still as _fiery_ as always." Sans winks as the flaming man. Ok, so he was also the owner, good to know.

"And you're still as much of a pain in the ass as you always are." He returns sarcastically, but you could tell there was no real malice in the elemental's tone. Then he turns to you. "Though, this is a new development. And who might you be? Sans isn't one to bring just anyone to my bar, and as I said, you certainly aren't what a lot of us are used to."

"Call me Sparrow." You smile as you introduce yourself. "Met Boneboy over here yesterday. Let's just say weird shit happened and he ended up accidentally offering to take me out for drinks."

"... 'Accidentally?'"

"Like I said, _weird shit_."

He chuckles softly and shakes his head at the absurdity, then turns to pull out a pair of menus to hand to you.

"I am going to assume this is your first time having any kind of Monster food? If you have any questions, ask Sans or myself. Call me over once you've decided." Grillby then walks off to serve other customers. You look at the two menus he had given you. One was a normal menu with a list of foods and such, the other was a menu for alcoholic drinks. You set the food one aside for now, and flip through the drinks.

Most of them were obviously ones from the Underground, brews and cocktails you've never heard of, but there were ones that you recognized. They were mostly just the common cocktails everyone knew; Cosmopolitan and Martinis, Mai tai and Negroni, Long Island Iced Tea and Whiskey Sour, classics and all their veriations. Looking over the ingredients however, showed that these were definitely Monster veriety drinks.

You smirked. Now you're excited.

"see something ya like?" You're broken out of your thoughts by Sans voice. You hum in contemplation.

"Wanna explain some of these cocktails to me? I recognize the human veriety, but I wanna know how you guys do drinks." Sans shrugs and pulls the menu so you're holding it between the two of you.

Sans tells you he isn't one for really fancy mixed drinks, preferring straight shots or beer. He's more familiar with the spirits on their own than mixed, though there were a few he didn't mind; simpler ones like Gin and Tonic or a Screwdriver -or anything that was purely liquor diluted with another juice- and oddly, Mint Juleps and Hot Toddies. He hated anything served in a martini glass, or anything not served in a round glass really. One part was the glass felt too fragile in his hand, like he'd crush it by accident or break it somehow; the other was it just _looked_ weird. Another thing was that he only liked Bloody Marys if they were more Tabasco than tomato.

Hmmm, so he liked spicy....

"I think I know what we can start with." You set the menu down and turned to look for Grillby.

"oh? ya do now?" Sans leaned on his elbow, brow raised.

"Yeah, I just.... Ah! Hey, Grillby!" You called to the elemental. He turned to you, expectant. "Can I see how the _fire man_ handles a _Prairie Fire_?"

Grillby stared at you for a moment, brow furrowed, before a look of realization crosses his face. Then his palm meets his face as he groans while you and Sans snicker.

"Of course... Of course she would... How _else_ would they get along..." He grumbled as he headed back behind the bar to fix up the shots. It was a quick deal, it was only liquor and tabasco/hot sauce. You watch him line the bottom of the shot glass with a few drops of some Monster brand tabasco and _Ooooo_ that's definitely whiskey, nice, you always preferred the classic version. The finished shots were placed before you and Sans, and you nearly vibrated with excitement. You picked up the small glass, watch the light dance in the amber liquid and the sause slowly mix with it. Sans, on the other hand, turned to Grillby with a smirk.

"now, if i remember correctly, that was a bottle of better whiskey than the normal stuff, wasn't it? tryin' to prove how much of a _hot shot_ you are to my new pal?" He holds up his shot and snickers more when Grillby rolls his eyes.

"So, shall we toast or something?" You pipped in, finished in your observation of the shot. Sans turns back to you with a raised brow. You hold up the shot and send him a cheery grin.

"To new friends and shitty ass puns?"

Sans grins back and holds out his own shot.

"to new friends and shitty ass puns."

_**Clink!** _

You both down the shots. For a second, it's like any other Prairie Fire you've done. First the smooth heat of alcohol before the sharp, stinging heat of tabasco. The mixing, contrasting burns are familiar, counteracting the unfamiliar flavors of the Monster made substances. You'll have to ask Grillby more about the Whiskey he has. This one's pretty damn good for just a shot. You swallow, expecting the usual burn all the way down.

You forgot how Monster food worked.

The liquid vanishes as you swallow, quickly dispersing into free magic energy inside you. You don't expect your magic to _snap_ , sucking in the magic energy like a parched man in desert oasis. It's not a feeling you've ever felt from your magic; like a beast starved. Maybe it is. Mages have lost the ability to put magic in or make it into food products, so you have never provided your own magic with a magic from an outside source. It's only ever simply restored itself over time.

You jerk forward, nearly slamming the shot glass down and leaning heavy onto the bar, your free hand coming up to press hard over your mouth. Your eyes have shot wide and you can't help the shudder rolling up and down your spine.

For a few seconds, your head spins like you've had far more alcohol than a mere shot. Then, as quickly as it came, it was gone, leaving nothing more than the lingering burn in your mouth and a jittery fuzz to your magic.

A bony hand squeezing your shoulder grounds you back to reality. You hadn't realized how tightly you were gripping the shot glass, your white knuckled hand trembling minutely.

"'ey! sparrow! shit, babe, you ok!?" Sans shakes you gently, his eyes wide with shock and concern. You pull your hand back from your mouth to take a shuddering gasp of air.

"Well that was a feeling I was never gonna be prepared for." You wheeze, coughing slightly. " _What in the fuck_."

Sans stares at you, searching, his hand not leaving your shoulder yet. You take another slow breath and finally relax again. You send him a sheepish grin and he too relaxes, if reluctantly.

"the hell kinda reaction is that?" He grumbled. "tryin' to give me a heart attack, doll, an' i don't even have one."

"Sorry. Should be better now that I know what to really expect." You pick up the drink menu once more while sliding the other menu over to Sans. "How 'bout you pick the food, while I figure out what I want to wash that shot down with?"

Sans watches you for another few seconds before turning and calling over Grillby, not even glancing at the menu.

The night is easy after that. Just the two of you getting to know each other over good (read; fucking _amazing_ ) food and bad laughs. You find Sans' humor can get dark every now and again, but you can pull a few doozies yourself. And between laughing until your sides feel ready to tear open, you learn several things about Sans in general.

He loves mustard, drank whole fucking bottles of the stuff (the three he drank in front of you over the course of the night proved that pretty thoroughly.) He has a younger brother named Papyrus who he loved more than anything on the planet. He works a few jobs here and there; a hotdog stand in the park, a bouncer for a Monster club somewhere in town, a comedy gig, and some personal job for the King (that one got you staring.) He's been a regular at Grillby's for what was probably forever to him, well before the Monsters ever came to the surface. He's crude, but you can tell he's extremely intelligent, with a quick wit to boot.

You're having a great time, just as Sans said.

~~~~~

The night wears on and Sans noticed Sparrow slowing down. She's only on her third drink and Sans can tell it's affecting her by the slight sway of her figure and slur to her speech. Her face is flushed and slightly dazed. Monster alcohol might be stronger than the human kind; Sparrow hadn't drank any long drinks, so the amount of alcohol actually consumed was relatively small in comparison, and Sparrow had claimed that, while not an overly active drinker, she wasn't a lightweight either.

"uh, sweetheart? ya ok?" Sans asks tentatively. She stares at him for a second, her alcohol addled mind catching up to his question.

"'M fine... Just... Woooow. M'nster stuff'ssstrong. Bu' it's good suffff. Good stuff." She drunkenly giggle at nothing in particular and Sans raises a brow, concerned.

"ok. think it's time to head home for you." Sans stands from his stool and holds out a hand to her. "c'mon. let's get you home. grillbz, put it on my tab."

"Awww. But I... I dun wan'tonight to end." She grumbles. "'M havin' soooo much funnn...."

"yeah, i know. i don't really want tonight to end either, but it's gotta." Sans tries to pacify Sparrow while helping her stand. "need to get ya home. where do ya even live?"

"Wwwwitch haaaazel... In the back."

"wit- that big ass complex?! what are you, rich?!"

"Nnnnnnkinda? Got it throw- through work... Lotsa co-peeps live there too."

"holy shit, babe..."

"Heeheehee. Dun worry. Jackaboy'll let us in. Or whoever's on night. Wha' time'sit?"

"time for you to have a bedtime, doll. now c'mon."

Sans all but drags her out of the bar and to her apartment. The night air is nice, not too chilled, but not hot. The sky is clear, giving a wonderful view of the stars. Though very few people would be out this late to see it. Sparrow continues to drunkenly chatter as they walk.

"-an' I jus'. I dun gettit. You- Yer really cool and smart and funny an' assholes dun wanna see tha' just cuz yer a Monster. Yer jus' like anyone else. I's stupid and I wanna smack a bitch fo' it an' I jus'- I jus'-. Ya deserve t' be happy too..."

Sans listens passively. When they leave the area that had been designated to Monsters, he pulls up his hood. Even if it's unlikely that they'll see anyone out this late, he doesn't want to take any chances.

Luckily they don't, because it takes them almost an hour to get to the complex with Sparrow's stumbling pace. They reach the gate that leads into the complex and Sparrow detaches herself from him to stumble up to it.

He watches her squint through the bars at what's probably the security guard in the control room. She waves at whoever's in there cheerily and the gate opens. A guard steps out from the control room and makes his way over to them.

"Jackiiiieeeeee!!!" Sparrow cheers as she bumbles her way up to the older man. "I madez it 'fore shif' change!"

"Just barely. But how'd you make it back? Taxi would've come up with you." Sparrow slings her arm around the guard's shoulders and waves her free arm out like she's showing off a presentation.

"Oh! You should meet ma new buddy! His name is-"

Sans vanishes through a shortcut before she finishes. He doesn't want to deal with any repercussions because of racist security and snooty, racist, rich assholes.

" _Yer jus' like anyone else. Ya deserve t' be happy too._ "

But at least he knows maybe they're not all bad, if Sparrow is any contention.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "-Sans?"
> 
> "Hmm. Must have an aversion to humans in uniform. Wouldn't blame him. Don't worry there baby bird. Maybe you can introduce us next time. Now, to bed with you. The hangover is gonna kill you, you know."
> 
> "Awww maaaan."


	4. Successfully Telling The Long-form Dirty Joke Requires Focus, Especially In The Last Thirty To Fourty Minutes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sans gets some screen time.
> 
> Look, a wild Papyrus!
> 
> Pun game not the best this chapter...

_*VmmmVmmmVmmm*_

_*VmmmVmmmVmmm*_

_*VmmmVmmmV- beep*_

"'Lo...?"

"...."

* _whine_ *

"..."

"No, no, just... Hangover. I'll still do it."

"......"

"'Kay. Be there when the sun decides it's done trying to disintegrate my brain through my eyes."

"...."

"Hehe. Yeah, see ya."

* _beep_ *

* _sigh_ *

\-------

Sans awakens from a dreamless sleep feeling... pretty damn good, all things considered. He can smell his brother's cooking before he hears it. Eggs, bacon... Hash browns? Papyrus hasn't cooked those in a while. Paps isn't particularly fond of them, but Sans does like them, so usually he only makes them on occasion just for Sans.

Wait, maybe Papyrus was expecting him to have a hangover? He did tell Paps that he'd be out drinking with a new buddy. But, while he did get home late, he hadn't had that much to drink, more interested in trying to keep an eye on Sparrow.

 _Sparrow_... She was something.

He'd learned a few things about her in the time they spent together. She worked in some private delivery company, and part timed teaching kids self-defense. She was also part of a parkour group. (Stars, no wonder she was so fit by human standards; just thinking about all that physical activity made him tired.)

However, when it came to the topic of family...

~~~~~

"Don't got any."

"none?" He blinked in disbelief of her flat answer.

"Nope. Just a best friend who might as well be my sister, and a whole looney bunch who refuse to let me go."

He watched her take a sip of her drink. He couldn't pinpoint it, but something was off in the way her eyes dimmed as she spoke.

"so, got any hobbies?"

"Ever heard of parkour?"

The look was gone with the topic. He'd think on it later.

~~~~~

Now that his head didn't have any alcohol in it, he started processing the look in her eyes. It had just been after he'd talked about his bro...

Envy? No, it didn't seem malicious. Yearning, maybe?

And she'd lied. A small one, but it was there. There was something she didn't want to say in regards to the topic of family. He couldn't exactly press her for answers, they've just met and going "Hey, I know you lied about your family situation, you maybe wanna tell me the truth?" usually doesn't go over well with new people.

He sighed and pushed himself up. Might as well stop thinking about it and get up.

Sans heaved himself up, using one hand to scrub the remains of sleep from his sockets. He let out a yawn and stretched, his bones rattling faintly. He glanced around on his floor, anything clean? He snatched a shirt that looked and smelled relativly so and slipped it on. Now, breakfast.

Sans waddled his way down the stairs to the kitchen. When they'd first started looking for a new home on the Surface, they were lucky to find this place. A little disheveled, and in need of some work, but it was about as big as their old place with roughly the same floor plan. A bit of elbow grease and a few shortcuts later and they had a new house. It's what they were 'given' by the humans, since they couldn't make that many new houses in a short time, nor were they capable of handing over the resources needed to do so. So, they handed over what they no longer wanted, just like the garbage that fell into the dump. Well, jokes on them, Monsters could practically make anything work like new again, and didn't need the resources. They had plenty of raw materials from junk scrap and pure ore and other such things that they just looked over what was needed and took it from the Underground.

(Anything they couldn't get Underground was easily payed for. Humans highly valued gold it seemed, even if they had to take it at a very, very slow rate, so as not to crash the Market.)

At least the humans sent plenty of camping equipment, though, for the ones who wanted to stay outside the Underground until they were able to get around to the housing of all the Monsters. It was only partially helped by the small sum of Monsters who wouldn't (or couldn't) leave the Underground, for whatever reason.

"mornin' bro." Sans yawned and plunked himself at the table. Papyrus glanced over his shoulder quickly before turning back to his cooking. Only to double-take when he noticed Sans was definitely _not_ hungover. Papyrus dealt with it enough to know the difference.

"YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING OUT DRINKING." He stated, crossing his arms and squinting at Sans in suspicion.

"i did." Sans reaffirmed. "it's just i was actually tryin' not to get drunk."

"OH?" Papyrus quirked a brow at the information. "AND WHY IS THAT? NOT THAT I'M NOT PLEASED TO KNOW YOU'VE MORE ACTIVELY BEGAN CUTTING BACK, BUT YOU SAID YOU WERE WITH SOMEONE. NORMALLY WHEN YOU GO OUT WITH ANYONE, YOU COME BACK MORE DRUNK THAN A COLLEGE UNDERGRAD ON THEIR 21ST."

"it's _'cause_ i was with someone that i held back. was tryin' to keep an eye on'em." Papyrus just stared incredulously and Sans huffed in annoyance. "what?"

".... NOTHING." Papyrus turned back to the stove and turned it off. He served out its contents onto the nearby plates and then place the two plates at the table.

Just as Sans suspected, there was a heaping pile of hash browns on his plate and none on his brother's. He couldn't help the grin stretching itself across his face.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SMILING ABOUT, NOW?" Sans snickered at Papyrus' accusatory tone.

"not a thing bro. just hopin' we could _hash_ out today's schedule." He said, lightly waving a fork full of the fried potato shreds in the air before shoveling them into his mouth. Papyrus groaned and rolled his eyes.

"I'M CURRENTLY WISHING YOU DID HAVE A HANGOVER. AT LEAST THEN YOU WOULDN'T PUN UNTIL YOU GOT OVER IT."

"ouch. did i make a _hash_ of some plans o' yers by not being hungover?" Papyrus sighed and burried his face in his hands.

"WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?"

"ya love it and you know it." Sans winked and chuckled.

"SEE IF I SHOW ANY PITY THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE HUNGOVER." Papyrus huffed dug into his own breakfast. "FROM WHAT YOU SAID, YOU AGREED TO GO OUT BECAUSE YOU'RE WORKING AT THAT DUMP OF A HOTDOG STAND YOU SOMEHOW GOT PERMISSION FOR TODAY."

"ah. right. thanks fer the reminder, almost forgot. ya saved my _bacon_ again, bro. what would i do without ya?"

"SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR DAMN BREAKFAST."

"you got it, boss." Sans snickered as Papyrus rolled his eyes. They continued to eat their breakfast peacefully after that. Once finished, Papyrus heads to the door, already prepared to leave.

"I WILL BE LEAVING NOW. PLEASE REMEMBER TO FEED DOOMFANGER BEFORE YOU LEAVE AS WELL."

"don't worry, i got it." Sans waved his brother off as he finished off his hash browns. Sans still had another hour and a half before he had to leave, so he might as well do something to kill time.

And as if on que, Sans felt something soft brush against his leg.

"lil' bugger." He mumbled, reaching down to scratch the top of the oversized white fluffball's head. "heard us talkin' 'bout food didn't ya?"

Sans scooted his chair back to allow him a better view of the feline. How the damn thing survived with them was both a mystery and a miracle. Somehow survived a fall into the Underground when it was barley a kitten, about two years before Frisk fell. Papyrus had almost stepped on it when he found it while out on patrol. One thing led to another and then they owned a cat. Frisk adored it and loved playing with it, even though by that time the thing was was nearly as long as Frisk was tall. Upon coming to the surface, Frick had insisted that they take Doomfanger to a "Veterinarian", or an animal Doctor, to get a proper check up and vaccination. They were able to find out the breed of the cat as well; a Norwegian Forest cat, and were told that it was _still_ growing and wouldn't _stop_ until it was about five.

Needless to say, Papyrus was _thrilled_.

Sans, on the other hand, just knew it meant more fur to clean up. At least brushing the cat was something Papyrus wouldn't let Sans do at all. Papyrus was extremely meticulous and the act of brushing Doomfanger seemed to relax his bro. The cat's very mild temperament helped this.

"paps snuck ya some bacon, didn't he? i know he spoils ya rotten." The cat blinked lazily up at Sans and trilled softly in response.

Hmmm. Where was that lazer pointer?

\--------

Whoever had thought to make hoods that were larger than normal was a god damn genius and needed to be awarded.

You were out and about in town. In the _sun_. With what was probably one of the _worst_ hangovers you ever had still trying to kill you. But, thanks to the oversized hood of you sleeveless hoodie (originally just a normal hoodie with a big hood, but you had it modified), that wasn't as big of a problem. So now, here you were, doing your job.

"Um... Ms. Sparrow?"

Said job did not currently involve running.

"Yeah kiddo?"

"It's really ok for us to be doing this?"

At least, no running that _you_ needed to be doing.

"Yes, it's fine, Robin. Besides, how else are you going to get used to the roofs of the area if you don't at least go up them and look around?"

The smaller girl nodded hesitantly. You sigh and pat the younger one's shoulder. Newbies are always a bit touch-and-go with you (though Wren, the other with you, wasn't really 'new' after the year and a half since he joined), at least when it comes to other Guild's new kids. But, when it comes to your own Guild's new members, something in you doesn't have the will to to even be slightly annoyed by them. Even with a raging hangover.

Then again, with your particular Soul trait...

"At this point, Ebbot is essentially considered a hub for Parkour practitioners. You might run across a Non-Mage Traceur every now and then, but you'll normally be able to tell the difference. No one thinks twice about seeing us or anyone running around on the roofs. The only exception is, obviously, areas that are illegal to go into. But that's pretty easy to figure out." Wren explained calmly, pulling his companion into a side hug and flashing a bright smile.

You give the girl a reassuring smile of your own. "Now, go on. I'll be right down here to show you some other good climb up spots when you're done."

Robin nodded again, this time less hesitant. You step back and watch as Wren begins scaling a gutter drain, while Robin decided on a Wall run straight up. You chuckle a bit. They were good kids, so it wasn't ever hard to be patient with them. The Guild Master always did have a good sense of character.

The two come back after a bit and you continue on your little adventure.

Well, until your stomach decided to make itself known. You haven't exactly eaten since said stomach decided that food was a vulgar thing and rejected the very idea of it.

"So... know any climb up points by restaurants?" Wren cheekily asks. You roll your eyes at him, but say nothing.

"It is around lunch time." Robin supplements. "And that one park that sometimes has food stands is nearby. I mean, if that sounds ok."

You think for a moment. Maybe you might be able to find something to at least nibble on.

"Sure, why not?"

\------

Sans sighed as he tapped his fingers along the countertop of his stand. Normally he would take a nap, seeing as usually there weren't very many people, Monsters or Humans, meandering around this park. It was because it was one of those neutral zones on the border of the two sections of city, where both Humans and Monsters could be found. Though, for that very reason, everyone tended to stay to one side or the other. Sans' stand was closer to the center, were Frisk had said it would be a good place to try and entice the other side to come closer.

Really though, he'd only get Monster customers that knew him to actually come over, and they would hurriedly scamper back to the Monster side of the park for fear of the Humans. Any Humans usually gave him a wide berth to stare at him and make snide comments to eachother. Very, very, very rarely will he have a Human come over. Usually when he looks like he's sleeping, and usually because they were dared to come over.

(And usually he'd scare them by showing he wasn't actually asleep. Then he'd commend the Human on their bravery if they didn't run, but if the kid looks like they were forced to come over, he'd tell them to ditch their so called 'friends' and find some people who won't torture them for acceptance. Because really, they aren't friends if they actively try to get you hurt. Kid, seriously, he's lived in an actual kill or be killed world, and you do not hang around those sorts of people unless you're suicidal. Find better people, or even just one person, and never go back to those fucks. It's never worth it to be accepted by those kinds unless you're exactly like them. You want a 'dog kid? For free, you look like you need it.)

Today was more odd. There were slightly more people out than normal that he could see. Either something was going on or it was just a weird day. Either way, he couldn't relax. At least it was nice out, he supposes.

Oh look, a trio of kids. They seem to have spotted him. Goody. Now they're talking amongst themselves, the tallest with their hood up gesturing towards him. Does he spot tattoos on their arms? Heh, tattoos weren't easy to come by among Monster, usually only found on the ones that actually had flesh to ink. But even then, it was still only those who didn't have fur or thick scales. And then, it was most commonly on old war veterans using it to tell what platoon they belonged to.

Marks of any kind, wheather it's scars, burns, bites, or bruises, told a Monster something about the other. Near permanent reminders of what they survived, who they were loyal to, a pact or promise, or even - _heh_ \- who they belonged to. The marks were seen as something strong, to be able to comeback from that pain and still stand tall.

And Humans, in all their craziness, actively and willingly subject themselves to pain to paint their skin permanently. For the very same reasons, plus the option of just aesthetic appeal.

And stars it was _hot_.

Shit, they're coming over, get a hold of yourself Sans. You do not need a boner - _snerk_ \- while dealing with.... Hu... mans...

"Well, howdy there Stranger. Wasn't expecting to see you here."

Holy shit it was Sparrow stop _thinking aboutthetattoosandhowsexytheyare_ -

"uh, hey... wasn't expecting to see ya 'round either. not after last night." Smooth Sans, real smooth.

Sparrow chuckled as her two companions glanced at eachother in confusion (the small girl) and suspicion (the male). Oh, and there was mischief in Sparrow's gaze.

"Well, you did wreck me. Don't even know how I was able to get out of bed today." She smirked, leaning on her elbows across the counter between them.

Sans nearly choked on air. Oh god, he's got a clear view of her tattoos now. A Phoenix on her left and some other bird on her right. Was that another one her collar bone? It looked like a phrase or something, but he couldn't see it at this angle. This is really happening. Ok, play along, this ain't bad.

"yeah, but you had fun babe, don't deny it. remember something 'bout not wanting the night to end?" He reached up to trace down her jaw with one finger, giving her a smirk of his own. He could see under her hood now, this close to her, and how her eyes were still a little pink from being bloodshot. She's still hungover? Damn, tough girl she was.

"I'm not denying anything, Sugarskull. And you were such a gentleskeleton too. Making sure I was ok before going."

"well, gotta show that monsters ain't all bad. ya know, bettering human-monster... _relationships_." Sparrow giggled as Sand tipped her head up by her chin. Don't think about anything, _don't think about anything._

At this point, Sans decided to look back at Sparrow's companions. And oh _stars_ , their _faces_!! Both were red faced, wide eyed, and completely baffled, the girl having her hands over her mouth while the guy's jaw had hit the floor. He had to force down his laughter so as not to alert them just yet. Sans tapped Sparrow's cheek to get her attention, then nodded his head at the two behind her. She turned to look back at them. He could see her smirk stretch even farther.

"Get your heads out of the gutter right now!" She demanded in a mock authoritive voice, startling the two kids into jumping, the girl yelping a bit. Both him and Sparrow finally burst into laughter at the whole event.

"O-Oh-! Oh my god! Your faces were priceless!!"

The male sputtered indignantly as the girl's face just turned redder and she hides her face in her hands.

"What even-!? What just-!? Huh!?!?"

"I don't even know anymore..."

The male just looks back and forth between the two of them as Sans and Sparrow rein in their laughter.

"'ey, don't look at me buddy. she started it, i was just going along for the ride."

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help it!" Sparrow turned around and instead leaned back against the counter. "If you were wondering, no, I did not have sex with the skeleton yesterday."

"Then what the hell happened??" The male (Sans really needed to get their names) pleaded in frustration. The girl's face just continued to burn.

"we got drinks together,"

"I got smashed on Monster alcohol by accident,"

"and then i took her home."

"Well, really you dropped me off at the gate to the complex, left me to Jack, then decided to vanish from the face of the Earth, but details, details."

Sans just shrugged and grinned. Both the kids looked at them incredulously.

"Wait, are you hungover?" The boy asked in astonishment. "I thought you were just being lazy!"

"Yup." Sparrow replied nonchalantly. "Still got a bad headache and the sun could probably tone it down, but, eh, I'll live."

This must be turning into one hell of a day now for these two. It seems like one shock after another and Sans can't help but snicker at it all.

"Didn't we come here for food?" The girl finally speaks up, looking pitifully up at Sparrow in a desperate need to change the topic. And Sparrow's stomach decided to confirm this.

"Oh, right. Wren, Robin, what do you guys want? My treat." Sparrow pointed to the menu. "And remember; put the food on the counter before you swallow."

As the two kids looked over the menu, Sans decided to address something he's been wondering about.

"they from yer parkour thing? seem a lil' on the young side fer ya to know'em like ya know me." He asked quietly.

"Yeah, Robin's the newest kid, and Wren was the new kid before her, so they stuck the two together with me to show Robin around a bit, since I've got like... 6 years over them? I've got seniority and I was free, so Crow asked me to." She explained, watching the two talk over hotdogs.

"and ya agreed despite bein' hungover? Oh, by the way, here."

"Yeah, I mean, I could get away with- oh." Sparrow glanced over to find Sans holding out a bottle of sports drink.

"dunno what you've been up to, but yer still hungover and ya need to stay hydrated. anyways, ya think you can stomach a 'dog?" She took it and gave him a small greatful smile.

"Yeah, thanks. And yeah, I think so by now. Hey, you two choose yet?"

"... A Chicago with the works." Wren cautiously ordered.

"Robin?"

"Umm... A Coney, please?" She muttered just loud enough to hear.

"And... Just a 'dog for me, heavy on the mustard." Sparrow finished, finally opening the drink and sipping at it while she waited.

"you got it, sweetheart." Sans winked and set about his work. "got a question for y'all while i make these."

"Yeah? Shoot."

"why do people enjoy life while eating hotdogs?" The two kids blinked while Sparrow smirked. Robin seemed to honestly contemplate the answer. Wren on the other hand...

"Waaaait a minute." Wren squinted in suspicion. "Is this a set up for-"

"because they're _relish_ ing the moment."

"-Oh goddamn it!"

Sans and Sparrow both chuckled as Wren groaned. Robin blinked again, but then the light seemed to flicker on in the attic.

"Oooh! Relish! Hotdogs! I get it!" She giggled a bit, now understanding.

"alright, kids. order up."

In those distracted couple of minutes, three perfectly made hotdogs now sat on the counter. Sparrow didn't question it and picked up her hotdog, immediately starting on it after handing Sans some cash. Robin and Wren both blinked and stared for a few seconds, before picking theirs up and looked them over. Wren looked relatively impressed, while Robin noticed something odd about her hotdog.

It had ears.

Cat ears.

"Oh. My. Gooooooood." The girl's eyes were starry, now noticing the little cat face at the end of the hotdog. "Wren, Sparrow, look! It's a kitty! It looks like a kitty!" Wren looked up from his hotdog while Sparrow paused in her eating to see what she was talking about.

"thought you'd get a kick out of the hot cats." Sans chuckled at the girl's enthusiasm.

"That has to be the most adorable thing I've ever seen." Wren stated while tilting his head to get a better look at it.

"I almost don't wanna eat it now... It's so cute..."

"aww, and i worked so hard on it. don't go _robin_ me of the pleasure of customer satisfaction." Sans mock pouts. Wren groans again and holds up his hotdog, while Robin giggles.

"If we eat, maybe he'll stop punning." Wren tries to convince himself, before taking a bite. Robin follows suite after a moment more of hesitation. There was a pause as the two set the 'dogs on the counter.

"It's so good!"

"There is no damn way a hotdog should taste this good. What the hell."

Then they swallow and the reaction is near instantaneous.

Both kids suddenly become ramrod straight as their eyes go wide. Robin actually squeeks as she does so. The two shudder as they get used to the magic. As the magic dissipates, the two come out of the shock. Wren begins to cough lightly as Robin presses the back of her hand to her mouth, still wide eyed.

"I know you warned us," Wren coughs out, "but you didn't _warn_ us! What the fuck was that?!"

"You'll get used to it."

"I don't think that's something easy to get used to..."

"You'll be fine. You gonna finish those?"

" _Yes_." Sparrow snickered at the automatic response. Even if it took a bit of getting used to, it seemed Humans loved the taste of Monster food. Wren picked his hotdog back up and dug in with earnest. Robin did the same at a slower pace, still shuddering a bit at the feeling.

"Hey."

Sans looked over at Sparrow as she leaned once more on the counter, facing him just like the first. Her tone was soft, speaking only to him.

"Let's hang out again sometime, yeah?"

"sure thing babe. and maybe ya could tell me 'bout these?" Sans tapped his finger on the Phoenix inked into her upper arm. She shrugged but smiled.

"Forgot about those. Got some more you can't see, but still, they're isn't much to tell really."

"still sexy as hell, though." Sparrow jerked up to stare at him.

Wait, fuck, that wasn't meant to be out loud- _oh_.

Oh, that blush was cute.

_Wait, what-_

"uh."

"Um... Well then..." Sparrow tugged her hood down a little more, but Sans could see the embarrassed smile. "I guess I'll see you later and we can _ketchup_ more?"

"yeah.... see ya when i can _mustard_ up a free day."

"See you then, Boneman."

\-------

Sans blipped back home after his shift. He had been in a daze since he'd seen Sparrow's flustered expression. He still was.

He just thought of someone he'd met a handful of days ago as cute. After he'd accidentally called them sexy.

Stars _damnit_.

He face planted himself into the couch and groaned. He isn't falling for someone, let alone a _Human_ , that fast. Yeah, Sparrow was physically attractive, and told some good puns, and was really kind, kept good company, had a pretty laugh, and her eyes...

 **Fuck**.


	5. Shady Dealings At The Exotic Bird Market

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the Guild.

"Alright! Last stop: Pheonix Feather HQ!"

Walking into the repurposed warehouse always felt like coming home. The thing was damn huge for how old it was. Several hundred thousand square feet of high ceilings and concrete floors. No one really remembers how the Pheonix Feather got ahold of it. One story was that the first Guildmaster had bought it from the company that had originally made and used it after they no longer needed it. Or maybe they were bought out? There was another story of how it was always owned by the Guild, just that it was owned by the first Guildmaster before they created the Guild. Whatever the story, it was now Pheonix Feather's.

With a few decades of hard work, a little bit of sneaking, a rune here, a sigil there, and they now had a giant, secret Guildhall to meet up in. The concrete had been mostly covered by different floorings, the walls properly insulated, and some other necessary amenities were installed. It had been divided into several sections with more walls, and even had a second floor on part of it! It was awesome! There was the lobby sort of area when you came in, then it split off left and right.

The left lead you to the Commons where everyone hung out, discussed current events, ate food made from the bar, and sometimes meetings were held there. Then beyond that was a training area, mostly for the newbies. The training hall also extended outside, which also lead to the pigeon coop. The Pigeon coop Mail house (or just the Coop) was built as an attachment to the main warehouse, since it needed to be nearer to the actual pigeon coop that was outside. It was the main way for messaging between the remaining Mage population, at least when it came to things regarding Magic, or just current going-ons from the Council. Guild members got all of their requests and job orders there.

(Carrier Pigeons, while the most common bird, were neither the only bird, nor the only _animal_ that dropped mail in the Coop. Familiars, while harder to come by nowadays, were indeed still a thing.)

To the right of the lobby, you would find some small bedrooms. It was for those who didn't have the means for one of the apartments yet, though sometimes it was for people simply looking for a safe place to stay, for whatever reason. A little beyond that was a small medical ward that was also attached to the training hall. Simple, but it worked.

And finally, the second floor. It was actually where the Guildheads stayed; the Guildmaster, the Guildmaster's left and right hand, the Head Healer, the Pigeon Master, and sometimes a few miscellaneous others. And the Guildmaster's office was up there too, obviously.

"You guys are free to do as you please, I ain't the boss. Wren, don't forget to return your Com piece." You dropped Wren and Robin off in the Commons.

"You forget _one time_.... Heh, see ya, Sparr!"

"Bye Sparrow! I had a lot of fun today, so thank you!"

"Yeah, see you gu- _oof_!"

You would have finished your goodbyes, had you not been suddenly literally strong-armed and hauled to one of the many tables in the Commons. The arm was all too familiar to be alarmed by, so you just went with it. Once you got your bearings after being dropped into a chair, you finally saw who had just literally dragged you across the room.

"So. Tell me about him." Straight to the point, as always.

"Hello Guildmaster." You sighed.

Guildmaster Crow... you honestly couldn't have been more greatful to have such a wonderful person to be your Guildmaster and to have taken you in. The Guildmaster was one of the most brilliant people you've ever met, easily a genius. They had been one of the youngest people to become a Guildmaster (not _the_ youngest, but pretty damn close.) They were wise and intuitive, always doing what they can for the Guild and it's members. They're magic was powerful, but very well controlled. Even sort of fit the bill in the looks department to be called "Crow;" very long, thick, pitch black hair in a pair of low braids, deeply tanned skin, and very dark brown eyes, all wrapped up in dark clothes 90% of the time.

"Yes, yes, welcome back and all that. Now, tell me about the new boyfriend that brought you home yesterday."

"Sans is _not my boyfriend!_ "

You loved your Guildmaster. Really, you did.

"So, the boyfriend's name is Sans?"

"Goddamn it, Master." You plunk your head onto the table as they chuckled.

But, Crow was also an insane, mischievous prankster who loved fucking with everyone via illusion magic. No one cared that Crow used the illusions as demonstrations in the training hall. No one cared when the illusions were used to get a lot of work done as once. No one even cared if their adrogyny was created by their illusions. But  _damnit_ , when Crow starts using their illusions to hide and prank people, shit started hitting the fan. April fools was the most dreaded day of the year for the Pheonix Feather guild and for anyone who knew Crow. They were never hurtful, and Crow always either had on hand or left behind things to make up for the prank, but they could get annoying at times.

Luckily, Heron and Pelican, the Left and Right hands respectively to Crow, at least tried to keep the Guildmaster from getting too out of hand. (Hahaha, you're gonna need to tell Sans that one.)

"C'mooooon, tell me about your Monster friend! Jack didn't get a clear look at him when he brought you home, and no one's really tried to get to know any yet. Tell meeeeee!" Crow wined as they pouted and shook you from across the table. The person who runs the (now) second largest Runners Guild, ladies and gentlemen. Insert jazz hands.

"Well, he's a skeleton for one thing..." You offered up, slightly muffled by your face still resting on the table. "He's funny, and a dork under all that Edge. He's smart, and unprecedentedly hard working for a lazy bag of bones. And he's got a gruff kindness to him..."

Crow hummed in thought. "Wish I could meet the Monster who's stealing away our dear Sparrow. Chickadee will be heartbroken."

You snorted in amusement at the mention of your best friend. Chickadee was currently out visiting relatives in the town over, but would be back soon. She would definitely make a fuss over you getting to know a Monster before her, which would lead to spilling everything you knew to her. Not like you would protest, Chickadee was your sister in all but blood. You barely ever kept secrets from her, and she did the same.

Your phone buzzes in your pocket. You pull it out and speak of the Devil, it was Chickadee. She's texting you rapidly, if the constant buzzing is any indication. You unlock your phone and watch the texts roll in.

 _Chick-fillet_ : BITCH WHO THE FUCK

-WHY AM I GETTING A TEXT FROM BOSSBIRB ABOUT A BOYFRIEND

-I KNOW YOU AIN'T CRUSHING ON NOBODY

-DID YOU LOSE A BET OR SOMETHING??????

-BLIND DATE??????

-AIN'T NOBODY GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY SPARROW UNTIL I GIVE THEM THE RUN AROUND

- _EXPLAIN_

You stare at the screen blankly, before turning the look to your snickering Boss. You sigh and decide against saying anything to Crow, instead just replying to Chickadee.

 _Sparr Me_ : There ain't no boyfriend

-I ain't gotta explain shit until you get your ass back here

 _Chick-fillet_ : I will break in through your goddamn bedroom window and fucking elbow drop you at 3:27 AM

 _Sparr Me_ : Bring it bitch

You know full fact that Chickadee would do just that. She's done something similar before. Why is everyone who you're close to absolutely batshit insane? Chickadee at least had the excuse of being an Orange based Soul type, but the only ones who knew anything about Crow were Heron, Pelican, some older Guildsmen and older Council members. Eh, whatever.

"So, oh mighty Guildmaster, is there anything else this lowly Guildsman can do to entertain you?" You ask, sarcasm dripping from the mock theatrics.

"No, my dear Guildsman. You are free to go now." Crow replied, just as dramatic. You sigh, but chuckle as you stood.

"Well, I'm heading over to the Coop." You send Crow a wave over your shoulder and head out towards the back of the guildhall. You greeted other Guildsmen as you passed them, only stopping for brief chats. Once you reached the back wall of the Commons, you easily spotted the Pigeon Master behind the counter sorting mail.

"Dove!" You called cheerfully, making the elder lady look up from her sorting to beam back at you, her laugh lines still trying to hide her dimples.

"Sparrow! Wondered where you went, dear. Didn't see you at the usual." Dove meandered over to the counter to lean casually on it. Her salt and pepper hair was pulled back into a bun, but you could tell how the day was gonna be by the sloppiness of it. Even so, her wizened grey-green eyes still danced with life.

"Yeah, Boss called me to babysit for a bit this morning." You shrug and smile. "Anyway, got anything for me? Also, how's your little apprentice doing?"

"He's getting there. Had a little problem with a stray cat trying to find a quick meal, but he handled it pretty well." Dove pulled a key out from under the counter, before going back to the wall of mailboxes and opening Sparrow's designated box.

"You got a couple of things today, though only one seems to be a request. The other... Well. See for yourself." The elder pulled out your mail for the day and your eyes widened in surprise. In her hand was a single letter and a stalk of purple Hyacinth.

Those were still in season???

You took the letter first to check it, flipping it to see the address. Ah, it was Ms. Leiland. Most likely asking for some of your homemade mustard again. But that still didn't explain the flowers. You picked it up and looked to over, gently spinning it by the stalk. It took you a second, but you finally noticed a tiny tag attached to the stem, hidden inside the flower bunches near the base of the cluster. You pulled it out and glanced over it.

' _Aventurine said you'd understand._ '

You blinked in confusion for a moment. Aven? Why would Aven have someone send you purple... Hyacinth...

Oh. _Oh_.

Your eyes widened again in understanding, then you let out a small bark of laughter.

"Ok, kid. I think I can start to forgive you now." You muttered to yourself.

"Oh? Am I missing something now?" You shook your head at Dove's inquiry.

"Nah, just finally getting something." You take the letter and slip it into one of your pockets. "Gonna need to find a vase for this. And texts someone later. Oh, and I'm gonna need to check on how my Mustard is growing."

"Busy as always I see. Well, don't let this old bird keep you. I'll see you again soon."

"Yeah, see ya Dove." As you walk away, you open the letter to see the request. Let's see... A jar of All Mix, two of Sweet&Spicy, and one French Black... Well, it doesn't look like Ms. Leiland is hosting a BBQ anytime soon, just stockpiling. And thankful, the only one you don't keep already made for things like this is the French Black, which is pretty easy to make, it just uses a lot of your seed stock. And the deadline for this particular order is... Next week. Perfect. Ms. Leiland is pretty good at keeping track of your plants for living on the other side of town. (Then again, she was a Botanomancer and taught Botany at the University in the town over. You wouldn't be surprised if she knew when your Mustard seed stock was gonna be low before you did.)

Welp. Time to head home. Got a bunch of plants that need you. Before you forgot, you sent a quick text to Aven, then you headed out of the Guild.

You followed the dirt forest path at a leisurely pace. Yes, the Guild was hidden partially in the forest that surrounds Mt. Ebbot. Originally, this part of the forest was cut down to make room for the warehouse, but the Mages replanted the trees. It hid the building naturally, but it also made it easier to place illusion sigils. They lined a ring of trees around the guild, but the illusion stretches pretty far. It stops at a section of path that meets up with the other pathes that are part of the park. The path itself isn't visible, nor even accessible, to regular humans, only appearing at a dense wall of trees. Only those registered as Mages can see the path. To you, it looked as though there is a purple-pink bubble around the guild the second you stepped out of the array of sigils. You had to make sure no one was on the path to begin with, or risk having a very awkward conversation.

It was easy getting back to the complex. You waved at the security guard of the day and headed back to your apartment. You sighed as you stepped in and closed the door.

If there was one thing you really like about Monster food, aside from the incredible taste, it was it's ability to heal. After downing the hotdog you got from Sans, you felt almost 100% better. Your headache had vanished after the first bite, and the remaining aches and any nausea you had vanished as you ate. If it wasn't for that, you probably would have just come home and napped for another hour or two to finish off the hangover, but the food did it for you. Now, you can be more productive than you'd planned, which felt good, you never liked not being able to do anything.

After finding a glass to put the Hyacinth in, you headed back out of your apartment.

The very back of the complex had a few things normal complexes probably wouldn't usually have. Aside from the pool, the complex had a huge community garden with its own tool shed. Obviously, some Mages needed to grow certain plant that they needed for things like potions and charms. And since not all plants thrive well indoors, especially in the small, single person apartments like yours, the complex owners provided small, sectioned off plots to residents. It helped particularly with the Solitary Mages. There was also a greenhouse if it was really necessary, but only a few people used it that you knew. You were fine with your plot.

The other thing was a pigeon coop. Again, this was for the resident Solitary Mages, since they weren't part of a guild or had a house of their own.

You beeline for the tool shed and take one of the watering cans, filling it with the outdoor faucet. You hum a tune to yourself as you pass and wave to the few others tending to their own plots. You spot the bright yellow of your plot and jog over to it.

Ah, your Mustard plants were growing in good. Another day or two and they'd be ripe for picking their leaves. Mustard greens were the best things, you would have never been able to call a vegetable naturally spicy before finding Mustard greens. You had two varieties; Indian Mustard and Black Mustard, both of which make spicier mustard than standard store bought Yellow mustard, which was made with White Mustard seeds. The Indian, or Brown Mustard, was usually the one you used for greens, but all Mustard plants were edible, being a relative to plants like Kale, Cabbage, and Collard greens, and more than just their leaves were edible. The Black was the spiciest kind, and you used it less for the greens and more for the seeds. Not that you didn't take any from the Brown. Either way, they were great.

You spent a good while with your plants, watering them and weeding. It's been a good day.

Hmm. Maybe you should make a jar of extra spicy mustard for Sans?

\-----

Papyrus was having lunch when he'd overheard two other officers' conversation (luckily a pair who didn't mind Papyrus being a Monster on the police force, even tried to befriend him. He respected the two, otherwise he wouldn't be anywhere near them.)

"So, my wife pranked me last night at dinner."

"Yeah? How so? Salt-Sugar switch?"

"No, worse. She told me we were having Chicken and greens. I thought she meant Collard greens."

"...?"

"They were Mustard greens. I thought she'd put a crap ton of pepper or something in the greens, but it was literally the greens that were spicy." The other broke into laughter.

"And everyone know you have the shittiest spicy tolerance!" The one continued laughing as the other whined at him. But that left Papyrus with a thought.

_Mustard greens?_

"EXCUSE ME." The two looked over at Papyrus in curiousity. "I HAD NO INTENTION OF LISTENING IN ON YOUR CONVERSATION, BUT I CAN'T HELP BUT ASK; MUSTARD GREENS? I ASSUME THEY ARE A VEGETABLE SINCE YOU SAID THEY WERE SWITCHED WITH COLLARD GREENS AND I KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE, BUT I'VE NEVER HEARD OF MUSTARD GREENS BEFORE."

"Oh, uh, yeah. They're actually in the same, uh... Genus I think? As Collard greens, so they're like, cousins or something. The condiment is made out of the seeds of the plant, but most all of the plant is edible." Says the one who relayed the story.

"REALLY? MY BROTHER IS ESSENTIALLY A MUSTARD ADDICT, I AM SURE HE WILL GO ABSOLUTELY MAD WHEN HE FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS. IS THERE A STORE THAT SELLS THE GREENS?"

"Ah, no, not that I'm aware of. My wife gets them from a girl who lives in the same complex as us. She grows them in the community garden."

"IS THAT SO... AND YOU LIVE IN THAT PRIVATE COMPLEX, DO YOU NOT?" A nod. Papyrus hummed in thought. "DOES SHE SELL THE GREENS? IS THERE A WAY TO CONTACT THIS GIRL?"

"I could ask my wife about it. She's better friends with her than I am, but I'm sure I can get you something big guy."

"THAT WOULD BE MUCH APPRECIATED. NOW I WILL HAVE SOMETHING HEALTHY I CAN FEED MY BROTHER WITHOUT FORCING IT DOWN HIS THROAT."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *In the Language of Flowers, Purple Hyacinth mean an Apology or "I'm sorry."

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk with me on my tumblr side blog [Beta-Synch](https://beta-synch.tumblr.com/)


End file.
